The Shame of Loyalty
by Azhar Muhammad Usman

Treason is the crime of disloyalty.

As the red, white, and blue bombs rain down upon Baghdad, my stomach twists into ever more knots.
I hate this feeling, this feeling of having my patriotism—my loyalty—tested.
I love my country, but I hate what it is doing—in my name—to my Iraqi brethren.
It makes me sick.
I remember this feeling; I've felt it twice before.

First, when I was in high school and Daddy Bush attacked Iraq the first time.
I remember the unfriendly stares, the debates, the anti-war rallies, the yellow ribbons, the 
racists shouting at me: "GO HOME!"
This IS my home. I have every right to be here. I am an American, I belong.
Or do I?

The second time I had that feeling was shortly after September 11, when it was clear that Muslims did it.
What?, I remember thinking to myself, How can people who consider themselves Muslims do something like this?!
Instead of answers, I just heard nonsense from fellow believers-blaming terrorism on 
U.S. policies, as if hijackers have no free will; outlandish conspiracy theories; sympathy 
for the pathologically disturbed.
It made my stomach turn to think that so many of my fellow Muslims had lost their 
humanity-their ability to distinguish between right and manifest wrong.
I hated what they were saying about America, and I hated those hijackers.
They tested my loyalty to God, and to my faith.

But today, the tables have turned yet again.
And once again, I must take the side of truth and justice.
Maybe that makes me unpatriotic after all.
Or maybe I'm just a bad Muslim.
Perhaps I really don't belong?
Perhaps I am a traitor?
Perhaps. 

If so, then I must be guilty of double treason for the shame of loyalty is unbearable.
 

© 2003 Azhar Muhammad Usman